Monday, July 13, 2015

Under a Lot of Stress

So I know that I haven't wrote a post in an extremely long time and pretty much abandoned this blog.... But there are times when I feel like I need a way to get my feelings off. This blog is like a diary or journal to me where I can just write about whatever I feel experience. So here goes nothing...

Junior year has been amazing and went by as a blur for me. The problem is, it is the middle of summer vacation, I am nearing my high school experience... And I am on the verge of what feels like depression. Now I can't say that I am depressed because I have seen and heard what depression feels like, and I am not depressed... More like overly stressed that I am crumbling to a thousand pieces and facing a "mid-life crisis" (not exactly mid-life, but you get the point). My life and future is taking over me. Maybe I feel this way because I just have too much time to think over the summer, but I feel like I am crumbling.

I have little to no motivation to do any school work. In my heart, I really want to achieve great things, but I have no motivation. I want to create masterpieces, play music, read what I love, learn to dance to my favorite Kpop/Jpop songs, exercise, and do well in all academics... But I haven't been able to do that this summer. I have lost my drive and motivation to achieve and I hate myself for that.

I want my old self back. The happy motivational self from 3 years ago, because that's when I felt most happy. Maybe I felt happy then because I knew I had friends by me no matter what. Maybe that's because it was the start of high school and I just wanted to enjoy being a teenager. Maybe that's because I was more open to people and had plenty of who I have never spoken to face to face understand me. So many maybes, but never a clear answer...

I guess overall is that I am overly stressed  about trying to achieve things and the future of my senior year that I have broken down. I have kept my feelings, thoughts and everything bottled up for a whole year and I have fallen apart. I can't enjoy things like I used to as much and I just don't know....

I thought that staying away from social media, blogging, PSF, and everything would make life easier.... But it didn't. The Internet is my way to tell some random people how I feel anonymously (or somewhat anonymously). I miss having friends to talk to constantly on the PSF. Sure, we have other social media and such to communicate, but it's not the same. I dread looking at the forum because it reminds me of how dead it really is. It hurts to see that I no longer have all the role plays, games, random chats, and late nights. It just hurts... But I remind myself that we always need to keep moving on.

I don't really care if no one ever reads this. I wrote for the sake of myself. I might start writing on this blog just for the sake of getting feelings off my chest because I need to find a way to let things out. Talking doesn't help, so might as well write...

Senior year is going to be stressful. I am in panic now due to the anticipation and fears, but I hope to get through it. I just need breathe and to take this year just like how I'm going to fix myself: one little piece at a time.


  1. Hey Petpet. I know you wrote this post a few months ago so I apologise for the fairly late response. I can relate to what you have just said on so many levels. I sit my final exams after 13 years of education and the uncertainty of what I'm going to do next has been overwhelming at various times. This year has been the most intense rollercoaster ride ever and after finding myself back on level ground, I can tell you this:
    You're not alone- there is always someone in your life who is ready to lend an ear and make a genuine effort to help you out but you getting better comes down to what you do yourself.
    Love yourself- no matter what. Treat yourself from time to time (chocolate and listening to music) and always give yourself the upmost love and respect no matter what situation you find yourself in.
    You're a strong girl Petpet, so you can fight the demotivation and get something done. Even if that something is as small as replying to an email or even organising your desk or room- the sense and feeling of accomplishment is enough to help get you back on track.
    Most important of all- remember that "It's okay". Remembering and repeating this (It's okay)- even at the worst of times can help make you feel better physically and mentally.
    Talk to yourself- know how you are feeling and what you need to do in order to get yourself back on track. Have lovely conversations with yourself- looking in the mirror and saying "You look great today" or write down on a piece of paper (or even alongside your school notes) small little things like "I'm so proud of you" or "well done". Looking back on that will definitely make you smile and giggle.

    Like I said before- I sincerely apologise for the fairly late response and I honestly hope that you have been better since. Even if it is the littlest bit- hey that's progress and I'm all for that. I hope this helps, even in the littlest bit and take care of yourself, you beautiful person.

    -Your Aussie friend :)

    1. Aww, thank you so much for all the support! I appreciate it lots. <3

      I just feel like my motivation now-a-days is coming from wonderful people around me and the dedication to move on in life. Sure, I may not be greatest and I haven't done very much to help society as of now, but if I can make an impact in anyone's life, then I'm happy. :)

      Don't worry about the late reply. This was just a way for me clear my thoughts. I am just happy that you cheered me up and actually took the time to respond to this post after so long. I hope that we chat more soon.


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