Junior year has been amazing and went by as a blur for me. The problem is, it is the middle of summer vacation, I am nearing my high school experience... And I am on the verge of what feels like depression. Now I can't say that I am depressed because I have seen and heard what depression feels like, and I am not depressed... More like overly stressed that I am crumbling to a thousand pieces and facing a "mid-life crisis" (not exactly mid-life, but you get the point). My life and future is taking over me. Maybe I feel this way because I just have too much time to think over the summer, but I feel like I am crumbling.
I have little to no motivation to do any school work. In my heart, I really want to achieve great things, but I have no motivation. I want to create masterpieces, play music, read what I love, learn to dance to my favorite Kpop/Jpop songs, exercise, and do well in all academics... But I haven't been able to do that this summer. I have lost my drive and motivation to achieve and I hate myself for that.
I want my old self back. The happy motivational self from 3 years ago, because that's when I felt most happy. Maybe I felt happy then because I knew I had friends by me no matter what. Maybe that's because it was the start of high school and I just wanted to enjoy being a teenager. Maybe that's because I was more open to people and had plenty of who I have never spoken to face to face understand me. So many maybes, but never a clear answer...
I guess overall is that I am overly stressed about trying to achieve things and the future of my senior year that I have broken down. I have kept my feelings, thoughts and everything bottled up for a whole year and I have fallen apart. I can't enjoy things like I used to as much and I just don't know....
I thought that staying away from social media, blogging, PSF, and everything would make life easier.... But it didn't. The Internet is my way to tell some random people how I feel anonymously (or somewhat anonymously). I miss having friends to talk to constantly on the PSF. Sure, we have other social media and such to communicate, but it's not the same. I dread looking at the forum because it reminds me of how dead it really is. It hurts to see that I no longer have all the role plays, games, random chats, and late nights. It just hurts... But I remind myself that we always need to keep moving on.
I don't really care if no one ever reads this. I wrote for the sake of myself. I might start writing on this blog just for the sake of getting feelings off my chest because I need to find a way to let things out. Talking doesn't help, so might as well write...
Senior year is going to be stressful. I am in panic now due to the anticipation and fears, but I hope to get through it. I just need breathe and to take this year just like how I'm going to fix myself: one little piece at a time.
❤Petpet